Category Archives: Lists

30 Weird Things We Did Growing Up

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1. Swapped clothes when we were nowhere near similar sizes. Result = very inappropriately dressed joy and very oversized boyfriend style dressed grace. Styling it out.

2. Pretended that I went to school as a fun game (home school freak), fake uniform and all.

3. Created a makeshift bed on the floor of the living room every Saturday morning in prime position to watch The Parent Trap. Every Saturday.

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4. Chocolate was also only allowed on Saturdays, the one naughty food day of the week. Until we grew tall enough to access the chocolate cupboard and smart enough to realise we could take chocolate out any day of the week.

5. Prepared shows whenever one of us went out to perform on my mums bed when they returned.

6. Played ‘The Dark Game’ and never learnt the lesson that it always ended in pain and tears.

7. Watched the jungle book every day for a good few months.

8. Went around the house combining every type of toiletry and liquid and food in a jar to make George’s marvellous medicine.

9. Put blue food colouring in scrambled eggs to prove that it doesn’t matter what food looks like, it still tastes great.

10. Dressed up like Cinderella every Friday night for dinner and Shabbat Shalom Jewish festivals.

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11. Pretended to marry our male child friends then ran away from them when it got to the kissing part.

12. Had parties where we played the dressing up race, Simon says, and the Octopus game, then listened to S Club 7 and pretended we were at a real disco whilst we ate sponge fingers.

13. Made dens out of all the blankets and duvets and cushions we could find, hanging them over lamps that were switched on and then burnt said duvets (small fun fact: I found this exact duvet style in the oxfam festival shop last week and turns out every girl I spoke to had the same one. Oh classic girl duvets of the 90s).

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14. Practiced being a hairdresser on my barbies then cried when I realised it wouldn’t grow back.

15. Created a tradition of dancing in front of the bathroom whenever someone was bored on the toilet. The snake move and Egyptian dance became regular features.

16. Read books to each other in the bath. I don’t want to admit how old I was when I stopped doing this.

17. Played card games on the table of every restaurant we went to after ordering our meals. Then not allowing the waiter to put our meals down until someone had won sevens or trumps.

18. Every time we finished a meal at a restaurant, we passed the time by combining remaining foods with all the condiments on the table in a glass just for funs.

19. Got naked a lot on holidays. If you can’t do it on holiday when can you? Naked in the sea, naked on the terrace, naked hair dying activities…

20. Kissed the ground of the airport after holidays because I was so sad to leave.

21. Performed a Britney themed show on top of a mountain in Scotland. That was actually such a normal occurrence I’m not sure if it fits in this list.

22. Played very loud dinner games in quiet restaurants where it definitely wasn’t appropriate. The animal noise game was a particular favourite.

23. Re-enacted the Harry potter films. Like, seriously, word for word. I made a great Quirrel. ‘But master you are not stronggg enough’.

24. Spent whole weeks formulating plans to build our own version of hogwarts and take over the world.

25. Discovered the music channel and had it on all day every day until we could perform the dance to Christina Milian’s AM to PM perfectly.

26. Watched Crossroads then made our own time capsule with photos and homemade craft representations of our life dreams. Apparently I wanted to be a pop singer who travels the world..

27. Dedicated whole days to dressing up in ridiculous outfits and dancing around London taking photos.

28. Went to Christian camp every year and made it the unlikely scene of adolescent discovery. Drank pink sidekick that we disguised as milkshake to fool our parents.

29. Made a website dedicated to Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales and posted photo stories featuring traffic cones.

30. Made videos of ourselves acting out plays we had written and dances we had choreographed. I don’t still do that what?!

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15 Thoughts Every Girl Has When Summer Hits

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1. Sun’s out… all other activities are not important, tanning time ALL the time. Maybe if I don’t use sun cream I will maximise tanning potential. Oh wait, why am I burnt? HOW have I not learnt this lesson after 24 years

2. I want to cover my whole body with henna. Flowers and leaves and paisley and swirly things EVERYWHERE. Okay I look like a forest stop stop stop.. Oh maybe just a deathly hallows symbol

3. I swear I shaved my legs yesterday where are those rogue hairs appearing from?!

4. So I’ve got sweat dripping down my back. Ahh yup, that’s a sexy look.

5. Beach waves are hard to achieve when half my hair is sticking to my neck and the other half has had a Monica style humidity disaster

6. No makeup today, just mascara. Summer is the time to detox and go au natural. Yep, I look great. *toilet trip* OMG WHY AM I SO RED AND SHINY

7. It’s so great that the heat makes you lose your appetite; I’m going to be so healthy and fit. Java chip Frappuccino?! Extra large please

8. This fan is definitely doing me more bad than good. Boiling hot air is being circled around my face and my hair looks like a deranged bird has made a nest in it

9. BBQ everyday yay yay yay. Ima buy all the burgers and chicken and salads and pimms. Wait a minute, how do you make this thing work…

10. 95% of this months wages need to go towards that lush holiday I’ve been planning all year. Oh but that dress will look so good on the beach of Croatia.. 50% off you say? Well it would be rude not to

11. It’s 5.30pm and the sun is hotter than it’s ever been. And I now have to go underground to get on a tube full of sweaty bodies. WHO INVENTED THIS MADNESS

12. Sunglasses are such great tools for people watching.. might employ this tactic all year round

13. Remember I made that resolution to exercise in preparation for summer like, 4 months ago? And it never materialised? Yeah, so that happened. Helloooo non-beach-ready body, you are now here to stay. Haters gonna hate

14. Summer is just not the time for working in an office. How about a 3 month sabbatical? Kthanks

15. That feeling when the sunrays are sinking into your skin and everything is right with the world is the BEST feeling. Please stay here forever sun I love you muchly ❤️

The Daily Thoughts of a Commuter

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If I squeeze in under that mans briefcase will I get swallowed into the endless pit of tube people and never emerge?

You, person with suitcase bigger than me, are just selfish. I don’t care if your flight is in half an hour, pick another train please.

Why is everyone running? Am I late? Is there an apocalypse? WHATS GOING ON

3 minutes until the next train?? What is this madness!

Okay seriously what is that smell. As if being in a small confined space with hundreds of strangers wasn’t unpleasant enough.

Did you not just hear the nice tube man say let people off the tube first? You are ruining everyone’s life, well done.

How do people have time to stand on the escalator. I just don’t understand.

Oh god I’m stuck behind some special person who can’t work their Oyster card. Why did I choose this gate of all gates, please sort your life out.

I’m uncomfortably aware that I’m basically stand-up-spooning someone right now.

Yeah I really wanted to put my face in your armpit. That was my primary aim when I got on this train.

Personal space PERSONAL SPACE

Why is that weirdo staring at me? Do they not realise this is London and looking at someone directly in the face is illegal?

There’s a dog on the tube. Guys, there’s a dog on the tube. How is this allowed to happen.

My new default walk speed is power. You would do well to follow my lead.

I have precisely 3 minutes and 42 seconds to make it to the other side of the station. I must take on a Regina George mentality… “Move, move, move”

“The destination of this bus has now changed” WHAAAAAAT WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME

What are the chances I could get off this bus and overtake the traffic with only my legs? Very likely I’d say. I won’t do it though cos yknow, principle. And lazy.

WHY have you decided that this is the moment to have a PDA on the train. Surely having 17 people pressed against you makes it decidedly less special.

I also really don’t get kissing on the escalator. Dangerous much?

Oh look, the next 4 trains are all going to the wrong destination. Because that makes sense.

I love standing up for 2 hours everyday with nothing to hold on to. Face planting is becoming a much more frequent occurrence than I ever would have predicted.

Ahhh got myself a nice comfy spot here, perfect. Oh wait the doors are opening on this side now. Oh wait I’m being pushed out of the train NO STOP LET ME IN

25 Things About 24-Year-Old Me

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At the end of last year I reflected on a list I had made (on Facebook notes, asif that was a thing) when I was 18, entitled 25 things about me. It was quite hilarious, very cringe and completely me. Now I’m almost half way through 24-year-old-ness I thought it might be fun to come up with 25 things about me and see how they’ve changed (chances are not much…):

1. I’m secretly a bit of a gangsta, getting low to 90s hip hop is one of my favourite pastimes.

2. I love eating good foods and believe all social occasions should be centred around meals. Fajita nights just cannot be equalled.

3. I also love baking but I’m actually quite bad at it. Exhibit A: brookies. Exhibit B: cake that volcano erupted all over the oven. Let’s blame my inherent kitchen failure nature.

4. I wish I could play guitar and be in one of those edgy cool girl bands that don’t exist.

5. I choose to surround myself with people who match my weirdness and find my quirks hilarious rather than judging them.

6. Life is too short not to stay up until 6am on the weekend when you’re having all the fun.

7. I can’t not buy anything with elephants on.

8. I love the way yoga makes you forget about life’s business.

9. I wish I could genuinely meditate.

10. I should probably live in a country where I can eat falafels everyday and have all the bohemian materials and decors.

11. I spend all the moneys on holidays and festivals. My future self will most likely resent this, but present self doesn’t care. Summer ❤️

12. I like making videos, probably a bit too much. Who doesn’t love re-watching their most drunken moments?

13. Vodka makes me forget my life.

14. I’ve adopted a tradition of getting piercings to celebrate things. Let’s hope I don’t have too many more celebrations as the remaining piercing areas don’t seem particularly appealing..

15. I don’t like the lord of the rings. I’m sorry, I tried. I’m just a Harry Potter gal through and through.

16. I am a major nerd when it comes to sporcle quizzes on Harry Potter and Friends.

17. Ross is the best friends character and I can’t believe I haven’t realised this until now. L-o-v-e love.

18. I wish I could simultaneously travel the world and stay in London with all my fabulous friends. Both these things would make my heart happy.

19. I suffer from a serious case of word vomit. I will often impart far too much information and weirdness to new people.

20. I’m still a child. I love nothing more than playing games, laughing all day at nothing in particular, and being as silly and ridiculous as possible.

21. My sister and I will never be too old for doing hand clapping things as we walk and taking surprise ugly face photos.

22. Dimples and cable knit jumpers are the one 👌

23. I am apparently gangly in nature and have been compared to the blow up man that flails in the wind outside car warehouses.

24. I am always actually the drunkest. This is probably due to my love of doing all the shots. Luckily I am a happy drunk (you might say perfect) so I like to think being the drunkest just adds hilarity to my friends lives.

25. I am always the hostess. I will never stop being that person that throws all the house parties and BBQs and dinners and film nights and tea mornings and dominoes afternoons.

I’ve just read through my 18-year-old self again and there is a freakish amount of similarity. I might be in a different stage of life but the things that make me ‘me’ have not changed much at all. I’m still a weirdo who loves Harry Potter, doing childish things and throwing all the parties. Loving life.

How Not to Date Part 2

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A little while ago I wrote up a list of dating faux-pas committed by a friend of mine over a series of dates. Much of this behaviour was not what you might call “standard dating” but was in fact rather fitting with her personality, and made for some hilarious anecdotes. Since that post, many more dating scenarios have occurred (serial dating January you might say). So we decided it might be a fun idea to combine the dating “experiences” that we have recently had into another “How Not to Date” list. I’m not going to say who committed each dating crime. I’m just going to say, they all definitely happened. Such is our life. Read, learn, and be as ridiculous as us on your next date please.

1. Upon arriving at the bar and heading to the toilet, promptly walking into the boys toilet. And then telling the date about it.

2. Leaving work and thinking it might be a good idea to apply some deodorant before the date. Buying deodorant and then realising there was nowhere appropriate to apply it. So walking down the street holding deodorant under coat, subtly applying it whilst walking. No one noticed…

3. Having two dates in a row and telling the second date that you had “drinks with friends” the night before.

4. Planning a cinema date on a Sunday afternoon; getting very very drunk on the Saturday night and attempting to catch up on sleep in the cinema.

5. Whilst talking about red bull, explaining that it’s grim because it brings back memories of the Inbetweeners episode where Will shits himself in an exam. Having him reply, “so you’re scared you might shit yourself if you drink red bull?” Awkward silence.

6. Deliberating over which mixer to have for about 10 minutes, deciding to have fanta and rum. Discovering they don’t serve fanta, asking them to concoct a fanta replacement.

7. Generally being long and clumsy. Spilling food down self; attempting to make cocktails with the shaker open resulting in alcohol everywhere.

8. Telling ridiculous life stories including but not limited to people pooing on car and sandwich OCD.

9. Calling date multiple times and leaving drunk voicemails.

10. Explaining to date that we love Uptown Funk so much we made a dancing video to it, involving 5 different versions of us doing the dance. Then showing the video to date…

…and hoping they appreciate Uptown Funk as much as we do.

So the last one was obviously both of us. Who wouldn’t want to see the beauty that is our Uptown Funk dance. Aside from that, you’ll have to take your guesses… but to be honest the majority of them definitely could have been either one of us. Ridiculous behaviour is just an everyday occurrence in our lives, so obviously on a date that’s not going to change. If they get the banter and appreciate our unique dateisms, well done good job. If they leave the date fearing for our sanity… they are probably wise. But not the one for us. Because there are plentiful boys in this world, but no replacement for loving life and being ridiculous.

16 Thoughts Everyone has in January

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1. This is the year. I’m going to be super healthy and eat only fruit smoothies and kale and quinoa or whatever it’s called. Wait a minute, still 3 boxes of chocolates left from Christmas?! I’ll have those, please.

2. Where is the snow?? What good is January without snow, may I ask please?

3. I should really take my Christmas decorations down… But, sofa. And all the films. There’s no such thing as bad luck though, so all is good.

4. I’m not the slightest bit jealous of these skiing photos all over facebook. And instagram. And snapchat. *Sigh*. Shoop, shoop, shoop.

5. When does it stop being acceptable to drink at all times of the day? It’s still the festive season, non?

6. Dry January is for losers. Oh, look at me throwing up everywhere and spilling falafel down myself, that’s a fabulous way to start 2015…

7. Hello there January sales, how can I not buy those boots at that price… and that coat… and those four outfits… I spent HOW much?

8. Where has all my money gone?! Still two weeks until payday… FUCK

9. I’d really love to try that new Dim Sum restaurant, but instead I must go home and make something edible out of tinned chickpeas and toast.

10. January being the most boring month ever means I’ll have loads of time to be proactive and sort my life out. Or watch all 4 series of The Good Wife on Netflix…

11. Now is the time to watch all those classic films I’ve been meaning to for ages. Re-watching chick flicks and Harry Potter is a waste of my time. Ohmygod, Bridget Jones is on TV?! Yes please.

12. Time for the January-de-clutter-and-sort-out-festering-room. I am definitely never going to wear that dress, charity shop. But what if that one occasion it would be perfect for actually happens? Back in wardrobe.

13. It would be a great idea to start a journal, write down all my life adventures and worries. It definitely won’t be as cringe as all the 10,000 other journals I’ve attempted to start.

14. I want to plan 5 different holidays this summer so I have something to look forward to in the next three months of winter depression. Oh, wait, money.

15. Since making a resolution to worry less about what people think, I’ve made a twat of myself on a number of occasions. Does that constitute a resolution well kept? I like to think so.

16. So far, I’ve been just as ridiculous this year as I was for the entirety of 2014. Fabulous.

How Not to Date in 10 Steps

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SVOD-L-How-To-Lose-A-Guy-In-10-Days1 A friend of mine recently went on a date with a chap and carried out a number of rather serious dating faux-pas. But unlike the cheesy rom-com we all love where Kate Hudson experiments with bad dating etiquette for an article, this was actually all her own behaviour. Life tells us to be ourselves when we meet new people, and yet in first-or-second-date situations it might not be the wisest idea. Dating advice should surely say, be yourself, unless yourself is ridiculous. By carrying out the following steps, said friend caused date to say to her: “you do know you’re strange, don’t you?” She knows it, we know it, in fact we love it because we ourselves are just as strange. But does it work in the land of dating to reveal it? Take a leaf out of her book and find out…

1. Having been through the traditional date layout of dinner and drinks, they found themselves in a bar where friend proceeded to spill a drink on her phone. Where a normal person might get a napkin to wipe the phone, she instead hid in a corner and licked it. She obviously didn’t manage to do this subtly because her date went up to the girl next to her and asked, “did she just lick her phone?”

2. In the same bar, she decided to initiate a dance off with a rather special man wearing an adidas 90s tracksuit and eating a packet of crisps.

3. If the first two didn’t indicate that she was drunk enough, she dared her date to drink 5 slippery nipples, and embark on a 12 pint challenge. On the topic of alcohol, she told him of how last week we had 7 jam sandwiches (meaning rum sandwiches, our shot of choice) to which he said “Seven jam sandwiches?! I prefer marmite.”

4. She tried to steal a pot of straws from the bar and hide them inside his jacket; however he obviously wasn’t quite on board with this plan and stood there looking confused so she meekly placed them back whilst the bar woman gave her a stern look.

5. She then thought it would be the best idea if she were to steal some baubles from the Christmas tree, and the only way to do this was to crawl underneath it.

6. Many stories were told that probably shouldn’t be shared on a date. Firstly the story of how she got so sweaty in a work meeting she had to wipe the sweat off her chair before leaving the room. She then proceeded to go into detail about her phobia of wafer thin ham.

7. Having pre-planned to invite date to an after party at hers the conversation went: “So… (sniff) wanna crash at mine?” Colds are sexy didn’t you know.

8. Running for the last train and dragging the date with her she then dropped and smashed her phone.

9. After party in full swing, she ended up having a friend declare his love to her whilst her date sat downstairs with her other friends who decided it was a great idea to do shots naked. He didn’t join in, surprisingly enough.

10. Against all odds he stayed on for the entirety of the next day, making the overall date a 24 hour experience.

So were the dates a success because he was just as strange as her? Or do these so-called dating faux-pas actually appeal to guys in a weird way? If the weird is going to come out at some point then surely it’s best to get it all out there from the word go, no messing about. And if it puts someone off, no dramas, they obviously aren’t worth your time. But if you can go beyond the realms of what’s seen as socially acceptable and someone still wants to hang out with you, then well done. You’ve won the dating game.