My Attempt At Not Being A Kitchen Failure


428434_10152760803035251_1236947972_n As much as I love cooking and baking and good food and dinner parties and thinking about food ALL THE TIME, I’m not the biggest success in the kitchen. Sure, I’ve made some yummy dinners and my chocolate chip cookies are pretty damn fabulous, but for every cooking attempt that turns out okay I probably have ten fails. A few notable examples…

  • The red velvet cake that volcanoed all over the oven while I got distracted by the ‘oh it will only take 5 minutes’ survey man at the door. Thirty five minutes is not an acceptable amount of time to ask me what channel I watch the news on and ruin my cake.
  • That time I tried to empty the dishwasher hungover with a blanket over me, cracked a plate on the side, and gave up on life so left a pile of crockery in the middle of the kitchen floor.
  • The shepherds pie that we maybe accidentally dribbled in and then covered it up with 5 tablespoons of cinnamon so it tasted like Christmas.
  • The brookies… as inspired as my efforts were in combining two of the best desserts, these were just not good. Cookie + brownie = shit non-cake weirdly shaped thing.
  • The 3 plates and cafetiere I broke by repeatedly dropping things on them. Whoever gave me the cupboard above the draining board made a terrible mistake.
  • The time we spilt cereal everywhere and then smashed eggs on the floor.
  • The multiple multiple spillages caused by my clumsy self, never learning that if you place a bowl of soup on the arm of a chair with a throw on it and then sit down, it will fall on you.
  • The many oven gloves I’ve burnt on the hob, and saucepans I’ve melted.
  • The carbonara we made with yoghurt because some fancy recipe told us to and it curdled so we ate weird lumps of dairy produce with our pasta.

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Wow, there were more than I thought. You get the idea. I am probably the epitome of a kitchen failure. So as part of my ‘trying to be healthy’ thing (on the weekdays obvs, ain’t no stopping me inhaling dominos and curries after a night of wine and gin.. all the calories) I thought I would try deliciously Ella’s recipe for energy bites. Or as I like to call them, balls. Because that is what they are. And what’s a day at work without an innuendo about eating someone’s balls. The recipe involves some pricey ingredients (being healthy is no easy feat for someone who spends all the money on alcohols), but absolutely no cooking or baking at all. So basically no opportunity for me to fail. Famous last words..


Having gathered my medjool dates, almonds, walnuts, chia seeds, ground flaxseed, coconut oil and cacao powder, I proceeded to combine said ingredients in the blender. Turns out our blender is an absolute pile of rubbish poo. No matter how I tried to manipulate it the damn blade just refused to blend my nuts. How rude of it. After much frustration I resorted to my backup plan, the hand blender. (I’m sure using a hand blender inside a blender is against all sorts of health and safety regulations but at this point I had no cares). This was even more of a disaster. I ended up spinning ingredients around so they flew out of the blender and into my hair. And across the entire kitchen. The result = I resorted to the old fashioned hands. Get stuck in there, that’s the way to do it. There may be many lumps of nuts still present, but they only add character. I ended up with ball shaped things with all the ingredients, therefore I am success.

You would think the endless amount of fails I perform in the kitchen would discourage me from cooking-related activity, but I just love food too much to let this put me off. The foods I make may look questionable but if the end result is edible, it’s probably worth the breakages and spillages and ridiculous antics that occur in the process.


3 responses »

  1. How do you accidentally dribble into a Shepard’s pie?

    Which orifice did you dribble from?

    Does cinnamon effectively solve this mistake?

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